Who Knew?

The following things have occurred in my life over the last 6 months:

• My husband left me
• My daughter graduated from college
• My other daughter told me she and her husband are expecting my first grandchild
• I hired a lawyer
• I enrollege for more college classes
• I quit my job
• I took a new job

I suppose there are more things I could add if I want to, but the most important thing to note is there has been a lot of CHANGE in my life! :) Some of it extremely bad, some of it extremely good. One thing that amazes me is God's consistency through it all. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I am overwhelmed at how God has provided for me. I am so thankful for the family and friends who have helped me through this time. I get emails, phone calls, letters, and postcards from different people every week confirming that they are lifting me and my family up in their prayers. They always bring tears to my eyes because I am so grateful.

On a different note, I am thoroughly enjoying my work. I love the university atmosphere! I hated leaving CIS and everything that I was comfortable with, but the people here are just as supportive. I can't believe how much more active I am here. I work on the 3rd floor so I'm taking stairs everyday. If I need to walk to the administration building, or human resources, or the gym, I'm walking across campus. I have free access to the recreation building and it is wonderful - I haven't been swimming yet, but I have climbed the wall. They are always serving free food and there is a coffee shop on campus. Too good for words. :) I'm a little worried about the workload between taking classes and teaching classes, but surely I can make it through December...

New Things

As most of you know by now I've taken a new job with Texas A&M University - Commerce as a full time professor. My official title is Ad Interim Assistant Professor. Just so you know, the Ad Interim part means "Step of Faith" - not technically, but practically. So here's the deal, I get a call from the social work department just over 2 weeks ago and they offered me this full time position that is guaranteed for 1 year (that is the Ad Interim part). I know it seems crazy for me to give up a very stable position with CIS to go with a job that can only promise me 1 year, but I have no misgivings or doubts. This is where I'm supposed to be. So I told the woman yes (after praying over it for about 24 hours) and here I am!

My first official day was today, but because I am teaching an off-campus course in Pittsburg on Mondays I don't go into Commerce until tomorrow. I baked blonde brownies to take to the other professors. This is a very tight, supportive group and I'm really looking forward to working with them.

One last thing, my mediation is this Wednesday morning from 9 until 1. Please pray for strength and wisdom for me and a soften heart on Todd's part. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but I can be comforted in the fact that it is all His anyway - I don't need to argue who gets what.

I am falling asleep with the laptop on my lap - I think it is time for bed!

Family

We had a wonderful weekend in College Station. This is one of our trips to the bookstore - we are such geeks. Thankfully we all love getting lost in the books so no one gets bored.

Kelly is 23, going on 24 weeks and she looks and feels great! They did get the gender confirmed Friday afternoon and unless both sonograms are wrong we are having a little Ava Rose. Kelly and Casey are thrilled and already have the nursery decked out, ready for Ava to arrive.

On Saturday we went to the 'U Paint It' store and picked out ceramic pieces to paint and then fire in the kiln. This may sound like a lame activity, but we had so much fun! I am even more in love with Matthew and Casey as they each picked out their own pieces and sat at the table with us girls and painstakingly painted. Casey made a mug that says "Ava's Daddy" and Matthew painted a beer stein with the Guiness logo on it.

This morning we all visited Kelly and Casey's Sunday school class. They have shared what is going on with our family and the whole class has been praying for us. They went over the same lesson my class went over - James 4. One of the points we discussed was about asking God for what we want. James berates the young Christians and tells them they don't get what they pray for because they are asking selfishly.

I immediately thought of the verse I've memorized on prayer - "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, asking anything you wish and it will be given to you." For me the key part of this verse is the phrase '...and my words remain in you...' I think we all know that God desires to have a close relationship with Him, but sometimes we don't know how to go about that. I firmly believe that we must stay in the word - the Bible - in order to know who God is. We learn about his character through the Bible. He can speak to us through his word -providing us encouragement and even correction. Hey! That brings up another verse I memorized! "All scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, correcting, rebuking and training in righteousness."

Overall it was a great weekend. I love family...

Doesn't Make Sense

I wish I could describe how I feel at the end of each day. I had someone - can't remember who - tell me that they ached for me when they thought of me climbing in bed each night with an empty spot beside me. For them the empty spot was symbolic of the abandonment I have experienced and it made them angry and sad. I wish I could remember who told me they felt that way because I would love to comfort them with this knowledge - I love going to bed each night.

I know I shouldn't. I know I should feel emptiness and sadness and an empty spot beside me. I don't though. The nighttime - late at night - is my time to spend with the Lord and I can't wait. At the risk of sounding strange (it wouldn't be the first time) I have to tell you that I look forward to my time with my heavenly Father just as a young couple who are dating long to spend time together. I climb into bed with my Bible, or my memory verses, or like tonight, my laptop and I read, study, pray and commune. Did you know it could be like this!? I didn't!

Sometimes I worry a bit that my talking will bother Kasey sleeping upstairs. I finally decided to warn her that if she heard voices in the middle of the night it was just me and God talking. I pour out my heart to him just as I used to do with my husband and I feel His presence. The windows are dark, but there is no fear; the bed is empty but there is no lonliness. It doesn't make sense, but the empty spot beside me disappears.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Carla

So Tired

I'm sorry it has been so long since my last posting. Life has such a crazy way of hurtling you forward...while at the same time moving so slowly...I'm just tired.

There have been many moments of personal triumph over the last several weeks. I have literally collapsed on the floor crying in awe and wonderment over the way God has provided for me...even now it makes my heart swell with love for my Redeemer, Protector, and Friend. I had no idea - NO IDEA - my personal relationship with my precious Jesus could be like this. I want to share this feeling with everyone!

I hope to be able to share with you in the near future why I went to my knees, but now is not the time.

So just days after feeling this sense of awe at God's provision for me, tonight I hear myself saying outloud in a petulant voice, "I just wish there was someone fighting for me!" What! Carla, seriously, did you really just say that?! When I think about the people - not only God, but the people who are praying for me, crying with me, helping me, fighting for me, I can't believe I said that.

Oh God, forgive my weakness. Drive away my fear and keep my eyes focused solely on you. Remind me of your faithfulness.

I am claiming the following passage from Isaiah 43: 1-4

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God...you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."

I am dreading this Friday, August 21. We have another hearing for the divorce (such an ugly word). My desire is to be in God's will and seek him through this. I don't want to be greedy. Please pray for wisdom for me. Pray for Todd. Pray for my girls and Casey and Matthew.

I am so tired, but I will find peace and rest in Him.

Nice Evening

I love getting off early on Fridays. Today I had lunch with Kasey at the Bakery (love that Tortilla soup!), bought Jenny Woodle a wedding gift, and then came home and cleaned out my dresser drawers and made banana spice bread (not banana nut per Kasey). I've got to mow the lawn this weekend and that will probably be all I accomplish.

We picked some more grapes tonight and added to the others in the freezer. It looks like we'll have plenty to make jelly for gifts this Christmas.

Not anything deep tonight, just thought I would provide an update on the sleep. Mixed results. I've decided that I'm going to continue taking them for a while longer. Still need to be able to shut my brain off and that seems to be the only way to do it.

I am stronger. I feel God holding me. He will bless me and my girls.

Just a Little Nervous...

...about tonight. I'm afraid I've become emotionally dependent on my sleeping pills. I have been taking them since April. In the beginning of this whole thing I wasn't sleeping. At all. Finally got a prescription and although it isn't addictive, it is habit forming. I think I've formed a habit. So, tonight I'm going to try to go without. I really, really hate admitting this because now I'm going to be held accountable. Someone will ask. I'll have to post later. And what if I fail? What if I can't sleep without them and I have to continue to take them until I...I don't know when!?

Okay, enough drama. :) I am very tired and I am drinking Sleepy Time Tea. When I finish with my post I'm going to get in bed and read some more of James. I'm going to ask God for wisdom and then I'm going to sleep.

I'll let you know how it goes...I'm sure you'll be dying to know! ;)