Be Careful What You Ask For... :)

So about 2 weeks ago I was really struggling with feeling sad - the best way to explain it is I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over my head - anyway, I literally prayed outloud and basically said something like, "God, I'm really feeling sad right now and I need something good to happen to me today. Please." Not 2 hours later I received a phone call from my dear friends who told me they wanted to meet with me the next morning to buy me breakfast and to visit. I don't get to see this couple but about once every 2 - 3 years so it was a very special phone call and brightened the rest of my evening and the visit the next morning was priceless.

So, fast forward to today. Again, the cloud. Again, the prayer uttered outloud on the way to work. My day was pretty normal and I felt that I had successfully made it through another day. When I got home this evening Kasey and I took a walk and at the last moment decided to go farther than we usually do and so we took a different route. We were momentarily scared when the bushes next to us rustled, then out ran 4 adorable kittens. Now I realize for some of you that would be a nightmare and not a pleasant occurrence, but I have been talking about getting a couple of kittens since we moved here - the caveat - I wanted to find a calico. Would you believe there is 1 beautiful calico and 3 gorgeous black and white tuxedos?

Kasey and I scooped them up and brought them home. They are about 6 weeks old and so funny! I know it may seem silly, but isn't it just like God to have the perfect timing and the tenderest touch to provide exactly what I had been wanting? I was reminded of the prayer I verbalized that morning and realized God took the time to show me this simple kindness.

Kittens. Too cute and precious for words. I'll post pictures so you can see how adorable.

Where Do I Begin?

So much has happened since I posted last, but honestly it is just "more of the same." :)

I'm at a training in Austin for the next couple of days. I really enjoy getting together with the other executive directors from across the state. I'm such a stick-in-the-mud when it comes to "going out" and always have been. :) I just never understood people who saw traveling as an opportunity to act different or do things you don't normally do at home. So I'm sitting in my hotel room watching the Rangers beat the Astros.

Casey Bryan, the son-in-law-extraordinnaire came out this past weekend. I don't know what it is about that young man, but he motivates Kasey and I when he comes and we get so much done! This time I took before and after pictures. They are amazing! Unfortunately they are at home on the camera so I'll have to promise to post them when I get back.

We worked so hard outside cleaning the place up (the house sat empty for 1 year before we purchased it). Someone asked if I had worked out in the yard this weekend after seeing the scratches on my arms. I'm not sure how to answer that...if by "the yard" you are referring to the 5 square acres surrounding my house then yes - I worked in "the yard" this weekend. :)

God continues to show me his faithfulness. I don't have all the answers - in fact I have very few answers, but I do have his peace and the assurance that he is in complete control of my situation. God has shown me so many places in his word that confirm his love for me. I do not understand how people who are not believers make it through painful times.

Have you read Hebrews lately!? Amazing... Here is just a small sampling of his love for us:

So then, since we have a great High Priest, who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
Hebrews 4: 14-16

I love the part about "let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God." The same hand that created this universe longs to hold and comfort us when we are hurting or struggling with sin.

One last thought. The pain and betrayal I have felt in recent weeks due to my situation is the same pain I cause God when I turn from him and embrace sin - the betrayal is the same and it is humbling.

Breakfast with the Bablers

I wish I had thought to take a picture of my good friends John and Marilee Babler yesterday while we brunched at Dennys. I have known Marilee since we were in the 2nd grade. We reconnected shortly after she and John married (20+ years ago) and they have been good friends of mine since then. They are a precious couple who are grounded in the Lord and have and give godly advice.

As I knew they would, they affirmed me in some of my thoughts and actions, and challenged me in other areas - exactly as they should. As a result of our visit I am praying just a bit differently. Probably the hardest thing yesterday was catching them up and giving them an accurate picture of what is going on in my life right now.

I am so thankful that God put this loving couple in my life. I'm so thankful they are strong in the Lord and confident enough to give advice and keep me accountable.

Here is one passage I left our meeting with:

"We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We use God's mighty weapons, not worldy weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thought and teach them to obey Christ." 2 Cor 10:3-5I

I ended the day yesterday by going to my Sunday School class party. This is my first weekend by myself and although Thursday and Friday were difficult days for me, God has been very good and I have felt loved and "not alone" all weekend. Off to church and then lunch with my parents - nothing like Mom's Sunday lunch!

Hurting

I apologize if this picture or this post offends anyone. My goal for this blog is to document my journey through this difficult time and to journal God's faithfullness - that includes the days my weakness wins.

So today is not a good day so far. I don't know why, but I do know it isn't because God has left me. I just hurt today. The irony that this post comes right after a post about progress is not lost on me. Today I just feel like crying. I want so desperately to be filled with joy - His joy. I think there is a difference between happiness and joy, but today my brain won't wrap around the concept...it is right there, floating near the surface. I think maybe joy comes from within and is God-provided while happiness is something we try to attain through worldly possessions and relationships. If you have thoughts on this, I would like to hear from you.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40: 1-3

Today I'm hurting, and I'm going to give myself permission to do just that.

Making Progress

I love this picture of Kasey and her sweet Corgis. Zappa is in her lap and Alex is sitting beside her. These two puppies were with her while she was in Lubbock (her roommates deserve some kind of medal) and she loves them dearly. If you look closely you can see her engagement ring.

This was taken a couple of days after the graduation ceremony in Lubbock. Because of the situation at home Kasey chose not to "walk" for graduation and simply came home to be with me and to receive support from me. I made her put on her cap and gown and took a couple of shots of her at the house. I hate that she didn't walk - but we tried to celebrate her accomplishment with a party at home.

I've learned a couple more things about faith. Hebrews 11:1 says "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." NLT

This is probably a very familiar verse to most of us and through my devotional with Beth Moore, I have come to realize that as a Christian we can place our faith in one of two places: either in what God does or who God is.

If we place our faith on what we see or perceive God doing then that really isn't faith, is it? I mean if it is something we can see - action that we think God taking - then that is an observation and a human assumption. If we place our faith in what we perceive God is doing we set ourselves up for drastic emotional upheaval because we will never understand everything that happens.

But, if we place our faith in who God is then we develop genuine faith. By putting our faith in the fact that God exists and earnestly seek Him then we will be victorious. What a relief this is for me! Afterall, we are warned that "For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9 I cannot possibly understand everything that is happening in my life right now - and I don't have to. I will simply continue to seek Him.

Last verse just because I love it. "So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12,13

Accomplishment!

Sorry for the posting delay - we've been without internet for 7 days, and even when I had it I couldn't download the pictures I wanted to add. So - I'm back!

The one picture is of Kasey and I after winning the battle against a truckload of yucca. For a bit we thought the yucca might win, but we prevailed. This picture doesn't show our fellow laborer, Casey Bryan (son-in-law extraordinaire). We started working on the yard Friday evening with my parents pitching in. Between the 4 of us (Casey hadn't arrived yet) we probably put in 12 man hours that evening.

The other picture is a shot of our "arbor" that is covered in grapes (we were surprised to find out). This picture easily represents 18 hours of work over 2 days X 3 - well over 50 hours of work. I still have the scars on my arms to prove it.

It has been a bittersweet labor. I love working with my kids and I'm amazed at the initiative and drive they have to clean up around our new house. They easily match my enthusiasm...and you know it isn't always easy to motivate a 21 year old!

Many of you have asked me if I'm going to sell the house now that my circumstances have changed. I would like very much to keep the house. All of us, Kelly and Casey, Kasey and Matthew and I feel such a peace here. After studying scripture I have prayed on a daily basis (for those of you who aren't familiar with the term "pray without ceasing" - check out the New Testament) that God will allow me to keep the house.

Recently I've added another part to my prayer. More than the house I want to be in God's will. I've started praying that if the house is going to be a barrier to my being in God's will then I don't want to keep it. I could just see God shaking his head, sighing and saying "Okay, Carla. I'll let you keep the house, but if you would just let it go..." I mean what if He has some incredible plan for me and my desire for the house prevents me from receiving His full blessing.

So, that is where I am right now with the house. I just want to seek Him, listen for His voice, and live to glorify Him and receive His blessing - some days I'm successful, some days not so much, but I know He will honor my effort.