Who Knew?

The following things have occurred in my life over the last 6 months:

• My husband left me
• My daughter graduated from college
• My other daughter told me she and her husband are expecting my first grandchild
• I hired a lawyer
• I enrollege for more college classes
• I quit my job
• I took a new job

I suppose there are more things I could add if I want to, but the most important thing to note is there has been a lot of CHANGE in my life! :) Some of it extremely bad, some of it extremely good. One thing that amazes me is God's consistency through it all. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I am overwhelmed at how God has provided for me. I am so thankful for the family and friends who have helped me through this time. I get emails, phone calls, letters, and postcards from different people every week confirming that they are lifting me and my family up in their prayers. They always bring tears to my eyes because I am so grateful.

On a different note, I am thoroughly enjoying my work. I love the university atmosphere! I hated leaving CIS and everything that I was comfortable with, but the people here are just as supportive. I can't believe how much more active I am here. I work on the 3rd floor so I'm taking stairs everyday. If I need to walk to the administration building, or human resources, or the gym, I'm walking across campus. I have free access to the recreation building and it is wonderful - I haven't been swimming yet, but I have climbed the wall. They are always serving free food and there is a coffee shop on campus. Too good for words. :) I'm a little worried about the workload between taking classes and teaching classes, but surely I can make it through December...

New Things

As most of you know by now I've taken a new job with Texas A&M University - Commerce as a full time professor. My official title is Ad Interim Assistant Professor. Just so you know, the Ad Interim part means "Step of Faith" - not technically, but practically. So here's the deal, I get a call from the social work department just over 2 weeks ago and they offered me this full time position that is guaranteed for 1 year (that is the Ad Interim part). I know it seems crazy for me to give up a very stable position with CIS to go with a job that can only promise me 1 year, but I have no misgivings or doubts. This is where I'm supposed to be. So I told the woman yes (after praying over it for about 24 hours) and here I am!

My first official day was today, but because I am teaching an off-campus course in Pittsburg on Mondays I don't go into Commerce until tomorrow. I baked blonde brownies to take to the other professors. This is a very tight, supportive group and I'm really looking forward to working with them.

One last thing, my mediation is this Wednesday morning from 9 until 1. Please pray for strength and wisdom for me and a soften heart on Todd's part. I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but I can be comforted in the fact that it is all His anyway - I don't need to argue who gets what.

I am falling asleep with the laptop on my lap - I think it is time for bed!

Family

We had a wonderful weekend in College Station. This is one of our trips to the bookstore - we are such geeks. Thankfully we all love getting lost in the books so no one gets bored.

Kelly is 23, going on 24 weeks and she looks and feels great! They did get the gender confirmed Friday afternoon and unless both sonograms are wrong we are having a little Ava Rose. Kelly and Casey are thrilled and already have the nursery decked out, ready for Ava to arrive.

On Saturday we went to the 'U Paint It' store and picked out ceramic pieces to paint and then fire in the kiln. This may sound like a lame activity, but we had so much fun! I am even more in love with Matthew and Casey as they each picked out their own pieces and sat at the table with us girls and painstakingly painted. Casey made a mug that says "Ava's Daddy" and Matthew painted a beer stein with the Guiness logo on it.

This morning we all visited Kelly and Casey's Sunday school class. They have shared what is going on with our family and the whole class has been praying for us. They went over the same lesson my class went over - James 4. One of the points we discussed was about asking God for what we want. James berates the young Christians and tells them they don't get what they pray for because they are asking selfishly.

I immediately thought of the verse I've memorized on prayer - "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, asking anything you wish and it will be given to you." For me the key part of this verse is the phrase '...and my words remain in you...' I think we all know that God desires to have a close relationship with Him, but sometimes we don't know how to go about that. I firmly believe that we must stay in the word - the Bible - in order to know who God is. We learn about his character through the Bible. He can speak to us through his word -providing us encouragement and even correction. Hey! That brings up another verse I memorized! "All scripture is God-breathed and useful for teaching, correcting, rebuking and training in righteousness."

Overall it was a great weekend. I love family...

Doesn't Make Sense

I wish I could describe how I feel at the end of each day. I had someone - can't remember who - tell me that they ached for me when they thought of me climbing in bed each night with an empty spot beside me. For them the empty spot was symbolic of the abandonment I have experienced and it made them angry and sad. I wish I could remember who told me they felt that way because I would love to comfort them with this knowledge - I love going to bed each night.

I know I shouldn't. I know I should feel emptiness and sadness and an empty spot beside me. I don't though. The nighttime - late at night - is my time to spend with the Lord and I can't wait. At the risk of sounding strange (it wouldn't be the first time) I have to tell you that I look forward to my time with my heavenly Father just as a young couple who are dating long to spend time together. I climb into bed with my Bible, or my memory verses, or like tonight, my laptop and I read, study, pray and commune. Did you know it could be like this!? I didn't!

Sometimes I worry a bit that my talking will bother Kasey sleeping upstairs. I finally decided to warn her that if she heard voices in the middle of the night it was just me and God talking. I pour out my heart to him just as I used to do with my husband and I feel His presence. The windows are dark, but there is no fear; the bed is empty but there is no lonliness. It doesn't make sense, but the empty spot beside me disappears.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

Carla

So Tired

I'm sorry it has been so long since my last posting. Life has such a crazy way of hurtling you forward...while at the same time moving so slowly...I'm just tired.

There have been many moments of personal triumph over the last several weeks. I have literally collapsed on the floor crying in awe and wonderment over the way God has provided for me...even now it makes my heart swell with love for my Redeemer, Protector, and Friend. I had no idea - NO IDEA - my personal relationship with my precious Jesus could be like this. I want to share this feeling with everyone!

I hope to be able to share with you in the near future why I went to my knees, but now is not the time.

So just days after feeling this sense of awe at God's provision for me, tonight I hear myself saying outloud in a petulant voice, "I just wish there was someone fighting for me!" What! Carla, seriously, did you really just say that?! When I think about the people - not only God, but the people who are praying for me, crying with me, helping me, fighting for me, I can't believe I said that.

Oh God, forgive my weakness. Drive away my fear and keep my eyes focused solely on you. Remind me of your faithfulness.

I am claiming the following passage from Isaiah 43: 1-4

"Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God...you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you."

I am dreading this Friday, August 21. We have another hearing for the divorce (such an ugly word). My desire is to be in God's will and seek him through this. I don't want to be greedy. Please pray for wisdom for me. Pray for Todd. Pray for my girls and Casey and Matthew.

I am so tired, but I will find peace and rest in Him.

Nice Evening

I love getting off early on Fridays. Today I had lunch with Kasey at the Bakery (love that Tortilla soup!), bought Jenny Woodle a wedding gift, and then came home and cleaned out my dresser drawers and made banana spice bread (not banana nut per Kasey). I've got to mow the lawn this weekend and that will probably be all I accomplish.

We picked some more grapes tonight and added to the others in the freezer. It looks like we'll have plenty to make jelly for gifts this Christmas.

Not anything deep tonight, just thought I would provide an update on the sleep. Mixed results. I've decided that I'm going to continue taking them for a while longer. Still need to be able to shut my brain off and that seems to be the only way to do it.

I am stronger. I feel God holding me. He will bless me and my girls.

Just a Little Nervous...

...about tonight. I'm afraid I've become emotionally dependent on my sleeping pills. I have been taking them since April. In the beginning of this whole thing I wasn't sleeping. At all. Finally got a prescription and although it isn't addictive, it is habit forming. I think I've formed a habit. So, tonight I'm going to try to go without. I really, really hate admitting this because now I'm going to be held accountable. Someone will ask. I'll have to post later. And what if I fail? What if I can't sleep without them and I have to continue to take them until I...I don't know when!?

Okay, enough drama. :) I am very tired and I am drinking Sleepy Time Tea. When I finish with my post I'm going to get in bed and read some more of James. I'm going to ask God for wisdom and then I'm going to sleep.

I'll let you know how it goes...I'm sure you'll be dying to know! ;)

Promises

I thought this picture was appropriate for a 'Good Morning' post. I've been looking - as most of you know - for promises that God has provided us. I've gotten 'stuck' in the book of James. I think I need to find out more about this man. All I know is he wasn't a disciple and he was a half-brother to Jesus. But I like his writing - it almost feels like I'm reading some proverbs in the New Testament. James strikes me as a wise man who understood our weaknesses and addressed them.

Perfect example: James 1:5-8 "If you need wisdom, ask our genrous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waiver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

See? How did he know we are going to waiver. My prayer and thought pattern goes something like this..."God I know you love me and want what is best for me. Please give me wisdom to make good decisions that keep me in your will." Then I start doubting my decisions, asking others what they think, changing my mind, etc. I wish I could be stronger, but I'm not going to beat myself up about this. I'm going to continue to ask for wisdom and I'm going to continue to try to leave the situation with him.

Two other verses that come from the program I'm going through to memorize verses of the Bible. Of course this week the topic is "Prayer" (of course - there are no coincidences).

John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.

Phillippians 4 6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Beautiful, powerful verses. Can't wait to have these beautiful promises committed to memory.

Still Waiting

So I am still waiting. Today it isn't with so much confidence. I'm tired, I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well, and I am emotionally bankrupt. I don't want to lose my health in this situation and I don't want my daughters to suffer any more than they already have.

I need closure on this part of my life. I don't understand what is taking so long. I don't understand why after more than 5 weeks I am still waiting for a response. So I will purposefully turn to God and his word and this is what I find:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3: 5&6

And one of the versus I'm memorizing:

"Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my father, and I, too, will love him and show myself to him." John 14:21

I Have Pictures!

This is the only picture I have of the 3 of us. It was the last evening and we drove to Point of Rocks just south of Ft. Davis to climb the neat rock formations (okay, Kasey and I climbed - Kelly and Ava hung out at the bottom). The quality of the picture is poor because I had to set the camera up on a rock across the parking lot and the sun was shining in the lens. :( Still, not too bad - smiles all around!

So this is Ft. Davis. It is absolutely an incredibly beautiful place. The structures in the background are officer quarters at the old fort and the tall plants in the foreground are called Century Plants (common name). These plants grow for years and years (a century?), produce this tall stalk 1 time - and then die. It is hard to tell, but the plants that have the 'blooms' are actually very large. There is a younger plant in the right foreground that will triple in size before blooming and dying.

We had a really great time together. Somehow we managed to relax and still get alot done. We toured the old fort, went hiking one morning at the Chihuahuan Dessert Research Institute, and then went again for a night hike (amazing!), drove to Alpine and ate at the original Reata, went swimming, went window shopping, and oh yeah - made an emergency trip to the vet to hook up Alex and Zappa to IVs after they ingested some prescription medicine (after hours vet visit, IVs, full blood work, 24 hour stay...$$$$!!). Oh well, they are no worse for the wear and I would have spent that $500+ on something.

I am going to post more pictures on my Facebook - it is a little easier to do it there.

I am so thankful for my daughters.

1,320

...miles that is. Kasey and I drove to Ft. Davis to spend several days with Kelly. It was an incredible time. Kelly is starting to show (she is 18 weeks tomorrow) and she is adorable. For those who haven't heard through facebook, it appears she and Casey are having a girl! They'll have another opportunity to look in a couple weeks, but the doctor said the sonogram was notable for "no boy parts". We are thrilled! Kelly and Casey had actually been thinking 'girl' all along. Her name will be Ava Rose and I can't wait to hold her.

I've been searching God's word for his promises and of course he never fails to provide just the right thing. My new passage he provided me is 2 Corinthians 17 & 18:

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Very comforting to me and I hope you as well.

I'm ready for closure in my personal life. Ready to know what is going to happen to me and see how God is going to lead me through. There is an element of excitement, waiting to see what God has planned for me, but truthfully I struggle with not knowing on an almost daily basis. Last night I had to ask forgiveness for my doubt and worry. Will probably have to do it again tonight! :)

Be Careful What You Ask For... :)

So about 2 weeks ago I was really struggling with feeling sad - the best way to explain it is I feel like I have a dark cloud hanging over my head - anyway, I literally prayed outloud and basically said something like, "God, I'm really feeling sad right now and I need something good to happen to me today. Please." Not 2 hours later I received a phone call from my dear friends who told me they wanted to meet with me the next morning to buy me breakfast and to visit. I don't get to see this couple but about once every 2 - 3 years so it was a very special phone call and brightened the rest of my evening and the visit the next morning was priceless.

So, fast forward to today. Again, the cloud. Again, the prayer uttered outloud on the way to work. My day was pretty normal and I felt that I had successfully made it through another day. When I got home this evening Kasey and I took a walk and at the last moment decided to go farther than we usually do and so we took a different route. We were momentarily scared when the bushes next to us rustled, then out ran 4 adorable kittens. Now I realize for some of you that would be a nightmare and not a pleasant occurrence, but I have been talking about getting a couple of kittens since we moved here - the caveat - I wanted to find a calico. Would you believe there is 1 beautiful calico and 3 gorgeous black and white tuxedos?

Kasey and I scooped them up and brought them home. They are about 6 weeks old and so funny! I know it may seem silly, but isn't it just like God to have the perfect timing and the tenderest touch to provide exactly what I had been wanting? I was reminded of the prayer I verbalized that morning and realized God took the time to show me this simple kindness.

Kittens. Too cute and precious for words. I'll post pictures so you can see how adorable.

Where Do I Begin?

So much has happened since I posted last, but honestly it is just "more of the same." :)

I'm at a training in Austin for the next couple of days. I really enjoy getting together with the other executive directors from across the state. I'm such a stick-in-the-mud when it comes to "going out" and always have been. :) I just never understood people who saw traveling as an opportunity to act different or do things you don't normally do at home. So I'm sitting in my hotel room watching the Rangers beat the Astros.

Casey Bryan, the son-in-law-extraordinnaire came out this past weekend. I don't know what it is about that young man, but he motivates Kasey and I when he comes and we get so much done! This time I took before and after pictures. They are amazing! Unfortunately they are at home on the camera so I'll have to promise to post them when I get back.

We worked so hard outside cleaning the place up (the house sat empty for 1 year before we purchased it). Someone asked if I had worked out in the yard this weekend after seeing the scratches on my arms. I'm not sure how to answer that...if by "the yard" you are referring to the 5 square acres surrounding my house then yes - I worked in "the yard" this weekend. :)

God continues to show me his faithfulness. I don't have all the answers - in fact I have very few answers, but I do have his peace and the assurance that he is in complete control of my situation. God has shown me so many places in his word that confirm his love for me. I do not understand how people who are not believers make it through painful times.

Have you read Hebrews lately!? Amazing... Here is just a small sampling of his love for us:

So then, since we have a great High Priest, who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.
Hebrews 4: 14-16

I love the part about "let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God." The same hand that created this universe longs to hold and comfort us when we are hurting or struggling with sin.

One last thought. The pain and betrayal I have felt in recent weeks due to my situation is the same pain I cause God when I turn from him and embrace sin - the betrayal is the same and it is humbling.

Breakfast with the Bablers

I wish I had thought to take a picture of my good friends John and Marilee Babler yesterday while we brunched at Dennys. I have known Marilee since we were in the 2nd grade. We reconnected shortly after she and John married (20+ years ago) and they have been good friends of mine since then. They are a precious couple who are grounded in the Lord and have and give godly advice.

As I knew they would, they affirmed me in some of my thoughts and actions, and challenged me in other areas - exactly as they should. As a result of our visit I am praying just a bit differently. Probably the hardest thing yesterday was catching them up and giving them an accurate picture of what is going on in my life right now.

I am so thankful that God put this loving couple in my life. I'm so thankful they are strong in the Lord and confident enough to give advice and keep me accountable.

Here is one passage I left our meeting with:

"We are human, but we don't wage war as humans do. We use God's mighty weapons, not worldy weapons, to knock down the strongholds of human reasoning and to destroy false arguments. We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thought and teach them to obey Christ." 2 Cor 10:3-5I

I ended the day yesterday by going to my Sunday School class party. This is my first weekend by myself and although Thursday and Friday were difficult days for me, God has been very good and I have felt loved and "not alone" all weekend. Off to church and then lunch with my parents - nothing like Mom's Sunday lunch!

Hurting

I apologize if this picture or this post offends anyone. My goal for this blog is to document my journey through this difficult time and to journal God's faithfullness - that includes the days my weakness wins.

So today is not a good day so far. I don't know why, but I do know it isn't because God has left me. I just hurt today. The irony that this post comes right after a post about progress is not lost on me. Today I just feel like crying. I want so desperately to be filled with joy - His joy. I think there is a difference between happiness and joy, but today my brain won't wrap around the concept...it is right there, floating near the surface. I think maybe joy comes from within and is God-provided while happiness is something we try to attain through worldly possessions and relationships. If you have thoughts on this, I would like to hear from you.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40: 1-3

Today I'm hurting, and I'm going to give myself permission to do just that.

Making Progress

I love this picture of Kasey and her sweet Corgis. Zappa is in her lap and Alex is sitting beside her. These two puppies were with her while she was in Lubbock (her roommates deserve some kind of medal) and she loves them dearly. If you look closely you can see her engagement ring.

This was taken a couple of days after the graduation ceremony in Lubbock. Because of the situation at home Kasey chose not to "walk" for graduation and simply came home to be with me and to receive support from me. I made her put on her cap and gown and took a couple of shots of her at the house. I hate that she didn't walk - but we tried to celebrate her accomplishment with a party at home.

I've learned a couple more things about faith. Hebrews 11:1 says "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." NLT

This is probably a very familiar verse to most of us and through my devotional with Beth Moore, I have come to realize that as a Christian we can place our faith in one of two places: either in what God does or who God is.

If we place our faith on what we see or perceive God doing then that really isn't faith, is it? I mean if it is something we can see - action that we think God taking - then that is an observation and a human assumption. If we place our faith in what we perceive God is doing we set ourselves up for drastic emotional upheaval because we will never understand everything that happens.

But, if we place our faith in who God is then we develop genuine faith. By putting our faith in the fact that God exists and earnestly seek Him then we will be victorious. What a relief this is for me! Afterall, we are warned that "For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9 I cannot possibly understand everything that is happening in my life right now - and I don't have to. I will simply continue to seek Him.

Last verse just because I love it. "So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong." Hebrews 12:12,13

Accomplishment!

Sorry for the posting delay - we've been without internet for 7 days, and even when I had it I couldn't download the pictures I wanted to add. So - I'm back!

The one picture is of Kasey and I after winning the battle against a truckload of yucca. For a bit we thought the yucca might win, but we prevailed. This picture doesn't show our fellow laborer, Casey Bryan (son-in-law extraordinaire). We started working on the yard Friday evening with my parents pitching in. Between the 4 of us (Casey hadn't arrived yet) we probably put in 12 man hours that evening.

The other picture is a shot of our "arbor" that is covered in grapes (we were surprised to find out). This picture easily represents 18 hours of work over 2 days X 3 - well over 50 hours of work. I still have the scars on my arms to prove it.

It has been a bittersweet labor. I love working with my kids and I'm amazed at the initiative and drive they have to clean up around our new house. They easily match my enthusiasm...and you know it isn't always easy to motivate a 21 year old!

Many of you have asked me if I'm going to sell the house now that my circumstances have changed. I would like very much to keep the house. All of us, Kelly and Casey, Kasey and Matthew and I feel such a peace here. After studying scripture I have prayed on a daily basis (for those of you who aren't familiar with the term "pray without ceasing" - check out the New Testament) that God will allow me to keep the house.

Recently I've added another part to my prayer. More than the house I want to be in God's will. I've started praying that if the house is going to be a barrier to my being in God's will then I don't want to keep it. I could just see God shaking his head, sighing and saying "Okay, Carla. I'll let you keep the house, but if you would just let it go..." I mean what if He has some incredible plan for me and my desire for the house prevents me from receiving His full blessing.

So, that is where I am right now with the house. I just want to seek Him, listen for His voice, and live to glorify Him and receive His blessing - some days I'm successful, some days not so much, but I know He will honor my effort.

Thank You

Thank you for your prayers this morning. The hearing was difficult, but we came to an agreement. My father and sister went with me and were a great comfort while we sat and waited for our case to come up. I don't think I'm going to be able to say much more about the experience.

Wow

I am going through a devotional that my sister, Carolyn, gave me for Christmas. It is by Beth Moore and it is called Whispers of Hope. This morning after reading and discussing the particular passage (Luke 19: 28-44) she states that the Word of God describes Jesus as a refreshingly emotional man - yet uniquely perfect.

Right now I can identify with the emotional part! Then Beth does what she usually does and throws a curve ball. She asked the question, "If you only had 1 hour to live what would you leave your loved ones? Probably something very valuable to you." Well just before Jesus' crucifixion, Christ said: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Jesus offers 'his peace' to me this morning before I head to the hearing and that makes me feel so much better. I will get through this and my God will go before me while his peace dwells inside me.

One other thing I have learned from this experience. I have been going through my days like a fragile eggshell emotionally. The man or woman next to me typically doesn't know it as I try to hide how I'm feeling. That gets me thinking about the man or woman next to me. What kind of pain are they going through right now that they are hiding? How can I show them mercy and love, even if I don't know they are hurting? You may be hurting right now with your own situation. Jesus is offering you the same peace he is giving me. Please let me know if I can pray for you.

Six Weeks Yesterday

I have to tell you, one of the amazing things about this whole situation I'm going through right now is the fact that I actually feel God's presence. I see evidence of him taking care of me. Yesterday I was given information - strange how it falls into my lap since I've kept my promise not to snoop (haven't gone looking for anything in 4 weeks). The information I received would have crushed me if I had heard it in the first 2 weeks. But yesterday, as I'm struggling with the whole 'divorce' decision, God gave me very clear information that confirmed that I am in God's will. Now let's stop for a minute and let me clarify some things. Does God want my marriage to end? No, he and I would prefer that Todd reconcile with God and turn from his sin and work on his marriage. Does God give me permission to divorce? Yes, under these circumstances the Bible is very clear that a divorce can be sought. It is especially clear regarding those spouses who refuse to turn from their sin and will not listen to God.

So, when the information was given to me instead of breaking down and crying I felt a sadness for the knowledge, but a peace for my decision. It was confirmation to me about where Todd is spiritually and physically and there is nothing I can say or do that will change his mind. God has made it very clear that this battle is on a spiritual realm. I will continue to pray and grieve for the man Todd used to be, but I will separate myself from who/what he has become.

Okay, I have an unusual prayer request. I talked to Stan yesterday. He is the husband of the woman Todd is with. Stan is a quadriplegic from a dirt bike accident that occurred since we've known him and his wife. He didn't find out about the situation until this past Sunday so he is about 5 1/2 weeks behind me emotionally and legally. The conversation we had was very painful as you can imagine. Stan desperately needs prayers. He has been left to fend for himself so his elderly parents and sister are caring for him. He is grieving not only the loss of a wife of 8 years, but also the little girl he adopted when they married. He feels useless and unloved. I reassured him with the words I could find, but I have to admit his situation is sad. Please help me pray that Stan gets through this time and feels Jesus by his side. I pray that he finds a new, meaningful life that will glorify God and bring him a peace and joy he didn't have when he could walk and care for himself.

At the beginning of this blog I wrote down the entire verse that God has given me to help me through. The verse is Micah 7: 7-10 and now I want to tell you about the part of the verse that scares me. It is the last verse, Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side. They will be ashamed that they taunted me, saying, "So where is the Lord, that God of yours?" With my own eyes I will see their downfall; they will be trampled like mud in the streets.

Obviously the whole 'trampled like mud in the streets' thing is frightening, but here is something else we know, God will discipline his children, his sons and daughters. He will take time to rebuke, or punish those who love him and who are his. But those who aren't his children he leaves to their sin. In light of that, I pray that God disciplines Todd. I pray that the holy spirit continues to fight within Todd, struggling with the forces of evil because the alternative is so much worse.

So I am six weeks out from what I have determined the worse day of my life and strangely I am filled with a tremendous desire to be filled with God. I am anticipating the day when I will have joy unspeakable and full of glory - and I believe that day is getting closer and closer.

Lawyers

I have a planning meeting with the lawyer this morning. My Dad is going with me and I'm so relieved. I know a 44 year old woman should be able to make decisions by herself (and I can) but this is big stuff and I don't want to make them alone. I know my heavenly Father is with me all the way, but he did give me a very practical, intelligent earthly Dad so I think I'll take him with me. :)

I've gathered everything the lawyer asked me to gather and then some. I hope after today he will be able to tell me what is realistic so I can start developing my expectations. I'm only looking for fair and just, but I'm afraid my definition of those 2 things are very different from what Todd is thinking. Hopefully we can work something out without having to go to trial.

I continue to pray that Todd will reconcile with God and turn back to Him. He is so deceived by the Great Deceiver right now he is not making good or Godly decisions. I talked to our good friend, Glen, yesterday. Todd had not called him or told him what has happened. I made my conversation brief and did not say anything negative about Todd - just gave him the facts. I thanked Glen for being such a good friend to Todd over the years and encouraged him to maintain his relationship with him. Todd needs friends like Glen around him right now. It is so sad to tell someone who knows/knew Todd before this because the shock and disbelief are so intense in the reaction. No one - no one could have seen this coming. The response is always the same. Yesterday Glen said, "Carla, I thought you two had the fairybook marriage!" I told him we did.

I feel very peaceful today. I know that is God holding me. I've been waking up before the alarm and as I lay in bed awake I give my day to God before I get up. So today is God's and I want to remain in Him while He works out His perfect will in my life.

Coping

I'm not coping well right now. I don't know what makes one day horrible and another just bad (no good days so far). I will continue to focus on God and his will for me.

I am clinging to the next part of "my verse" (the one God provided me). I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.

I have a meeting with my lawyer this week and then we go to the hearing on Friday. Please pray for me and my daughters.

Crying Again...

Crying again - but, oh it is so good! I just watched the movie Facing the Giants. I have been meaning to watch this movie since it came out...has it been over a year!? Thank you God for saving it until tonight. I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness - by his incredible tenderness for me. I needed this reminder of how he can conquer the giants in our lives.

Kasey and Matthew went to the movies tonight so Mom is on a "Staying-at-Home-Alone" test run. :) So far I'm good. It seems like just when I start feeling a little down someone calls me - my sisters, someone from my Sunday school class, one of my workers, a friend...it is amazing.

I have to admit something. I've known that Kasey was going to graduate this month and then spend a year at home waiting for her wedding and honestly I was a little concerned. Really I shouldn't have been because she and I had some wonderful times together during her last years in high school when Todd would be gone for weeks. But coming home after 3 years of freedom in college - that was a little scary. Once again, God has taken care of me. I couldn't have anticipated what was going to happen to my marriage, but God has allowed Kasey to be here and she has been such a blessing to me! I pray that I'm not sharing too much, or putting inappropriate responsibility on her. Please pray for her. She is becoming caught in between two people she loves and that is NOT where I want her. Help her be strong and make good decisions that are healthy for her (not what feels good, what God says is good) - she worries so much about hurting people. she sacrifices herself to keep everyone happy.

God has also provided for Kelly. She is going to be busy and occupied with her internship this summer at Ft. Davis. I'm so glad she isn't exposed to this pain on a daily basis. She needs to be in a good, happy environment while she is carrying my grandbaby! ;) Don't misunderstand, she is hurting too, but hopefully she is able to think on better things since she is physically removed from the situation.

The Graduate

My Youngest daughter, Kasey, graduated from Texas Tech this past Saturday. She, like her sister before her, was a 3 year graduate. Pretty amazing considering it takes most students 4+ years to get their bachelor. Because of the circumstances with her Dad, Kasey decided not to walk across stage to get her diploma. It was a decision that killed me, but I also knew it was her decision, not mine.

Since she didn't get to experience all the 'pomp and circumstance' around her graduation we decided to have a party for her with family and friends on the day she would have graduated. It was the best time we've had at this house. The friends and family were so generous, the feeling was very relaxed, the food was great, and the love was palpable.

So this is the story of my life right now I'm trying to figure out how to divide 26 years of marriage, protecting my girls from a man who is bent on destruction and doesn't even realize it yet, and seeking God with all my heart, soul, and mind - especially since each of those parts of me is breaking.

So what does my verse say to me about this situation? Well it starts out hard, "I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him." Haven't we all sinned against our God. My particular sin was disobedience. I always felt I could handle my life without needing to bother God. Oh sure, I would pray when there was a sickness, or a big decision, but to seek God's face daily - to live as if I were created just to honor him, I didn't do. I have asked for and received forgiveness. But going on, the next part says, "But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies." This takes on particular meaning as our temporary hearing comes up within a week and all parties involved feel like this will go to trial. My blood pressure goes up when I start thinking about all I have to do in order to make my case. It creates such stress! But right here it says He will take up my case, He will provide me justice. What a relief! It isn't in my hands! I don't have to think of all the contingencies in order to protect myself. I will carefully prepare myself and then leave the justice to my powerful heavenly Father.

If you read this post earlier, you may notice I changed it. I felt convicted over the things I wrote about my husband so I've removed those sections. My goal for this blog is not to cut anyone down, nor do I want to cause my daughters more pain. My desire is to glorify my heavenly Father in what I say, do, and write. Please pray for me as I struggle to be obedient. Please lift me up as I go through this horrible, hurtful time.

My Family

So this is my family. On the left is my oldest daughter, Kelly and her husband Casey and their Corgi, Bindi. I'm in the middle with my big blind lab, Jake. Kasey and her fiance, Matthew, are on the right with their Corgis, Zappa and Alex.



Up until the weekend this picture was taken Todd would have been in this picture. Todd and I are in the process of getting a divorce after 26 years of marriage. I found out April 8, 2009 that he was involved with another woman. When I confronted him he told me he loved her (after 3 weeks!) and he was leaving me and our girls. My life, literally, has been turned upside down. I had always thought I would be like my parents - fall in love with one man, marry him, raise children, make plans and dreams, and grow old together. One of the most difficult things for me is, up until April 8 that was exactly what I was doing. I was completely clueless he was involved with someone else.



My girls are devastated, but thankfully they are coping. When Todd told me he was leaving me and the girls he wasn't exactly right. He has just left me. He fully intends on maintaining a relationship with the girls - and as much as it hurts me to say it, they need a relationship with their Dad. I pray that over time I will feel less hurt over this part of the divorce.



I don't know why my life has taken this turn, but I AM confident that my God will save me. Going back to the verse God provided - Micah 7:7-10 - I love the part that says "Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." The person who wrote this (Micah perhaps?) had obviously been through some personal suffering. It is such a perfect description of what we go through during a particularly hard time isn't it? Don't you sometimes feel like you are sitting in darkness even when the sun is shining? I've had many, many days like that, but God has been faithful and provided me with peace. He is moving me to Him and his light.

Micah 7:7

I've enjoyed my daughters' blogs for years now but I never thought I would start one of my own. Of course, I never thought I would be in the situation I'm in right now either. I'm not quite ready to share all that yet, but I do want to share the verse that my heavenly Father has given me to make it through this painful time - Micah 7:7-10. Although it is a little long, I'm going to put the whole passage down here so you don't have to go look it up.

7. As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. 8. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. 9. I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies. The Lord will bring me into the light, and I will see his righteousness. 10. Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side. They will be ashamed that they taunted me, saying, "So where is the Lord - that God of yours?" With my own eyes I will see their downfall, they will be trampled like mud in the streets.

There are so many incredible things to point out in this passage but the most obvious to me right now is the section that says "I wait confidently for my God to save me." Wow. What peace that sentence describes. Can you imagine being in the middle of a very bad situation and having the peace to be able to say, "I'm going to wait on God to save me because I'm confident he will! No need to despair - He is in control!"

So here I am, waiting confidently for God to save me from my situation...I'll get to the enemy and mud in the streets a bit later...