Thank You

Thank you for your prayers this morning. The hearing was difficult, but we came to an agreement. My father and sister went with me and were a great comfort while we sat and waited for our case to come up. I don't think I'm going to be able to say much more about the experience.

Wow

I am going through a devotional that my sister, Carolyn, gave me for Christmas. It is by Beth Moore and it is called Whispers of Hope. This morning after reading and discussing the particular passage (Luke 19: 28-44) she states that the Word of God describes Jesus as a refreshingly emotional man - yet uniquely perfect.

Right now I can identify with the emotional part! Then Beth does what she usually does and throws a curve ball. She asked the question, "If you only had 1 hour to live what would you leave your loved ones? Probably something very valuable to you." Well just before Jesus' crucifixion, Christ said: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

Jesus offers 'his peace' to me this morning before I head to the hearing and that makes me feel so much better. I will get through this and my God will go before me while his peace dwells inside me.

One other thing I have learned from this experience. I have been going through my days like a fragile eggshell emotionally. The man or woman next to me typically doesn't know it as I try to hide how I'm feeling. That gets me thinking about the man or woman next to me. What kind of pain are they going through right now that they are hiding? How can I show them mercy and love, even if I don't know they are hurting? You may be hurting right now with your own situation. Jesus is offering you the same peace he is giving me. Please let me know if I can pray for you.

Six Weeks Yesterday

I have to tell you, one of the amazing things about this whole situation I'm going through right now is the fact that I actually feel God's presence. I see evidence of him taking care of me. Yesterday I was given information - strange how it falls into my lap since I've kept my promise not to snoop (haven't gone looking for anything in 4 weeks). The information I received would have crushed me if I had heard it in the first 2 weeks. But yesterday, as I'm struggling with the whole 'divorce' decision, God gave me very clear information that confirmed that I am in God's will. Now let's stop for a minute and let me clarify some things. Does God want my marriage to end? No, he and I would prefer that Todd reconcile with God and turn from his sin and work on his marriage. Does God give me permission to divorce? Yes, under these circumstances the Bible is very clear that a divorce can be sought. It is especially clear regarding those spouses who refuse to turn from their sin and will not listen to God.

So, when the information was given to me instead of breaking down and crying I felt a sadness for the knowledge, but a peace for my decision. It was confirmation to me about where Todd is spiritually and physically and there is nothing I can say or do that will change his mind. God has made it very clear that this battle is on a spiritual realm. I will continue to pray and grieve for the man Todd used to be, but I will separate myself from who/what he has become.

Okay, I have an unusual prayer request. I talked to Stan yesterday. He is the husband of the woman Todd is with. Stan is a quadriplegic from a dirt bike accident that occurred since we've known him and his wife. He didn't find out about the situation until this past Sunday so he is about 5 1/2 weeks behind me emotionally and legally. The conversation we had was very painful as you can imagine. Stan desperately needs prayers. He has been left to fend for himself so his elderly parents and sister are caring for him. He is grieving not only the loss of a wife of 8 years, but also the little girl he adopted when they married. He feels useless and unloved. I reassured him with the words I could find, but I have to admit his situation is sad. Please help me pray that Stan gets through this time and feels Jesus by his side. I pray that he finds a new, meaningful life that will glorify God and bring him a peace and joy he didn't have when he could walk and care for himself.

At the beginning of this blog I wrote down the entire verse that God has given me to help me through. The verse is Micah 7: 7-10 and now I want to tell you about the part of the verse that scares me. It is the last verse, Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side. They will be ashamed that they taunted me, saying, "So where is the Lord, that God of yours?" With my own eyes I will see their downfall; they will be trampled like mud in the streets.

Obviously the whole 'trampled like mud in the streets' thing is frightening, but here is something else we know, God will discipline his children, his sons and daughters. He will take time to rebuke, or punish those who love him and who are his. But those who aren't his children he leaves to their sin. In light of that, I pray that God disciplines Todd. I pray that the holy spirit continues to fight within Todd, struggling with the forces of evil because the alternative is so much worse.

So I am six weeks out from what I have determined the worse day of my life and strangely I am filled with a tremendous desire to be filled with God. I am anticipating the day when I will have joy unspeakable and full of glory - and I believe that day is getting closer and closer.

Lawyers

I have a planning meeting with the lawyer this morning. My Dad is going with me and I'm so relieved. I know a 44 year old woman should be able to make decisions by herself (and I can) but this is big stuff and I don't want to make them alone. I know my heavenly Father is with me all the way, but he did give me a very practical, intelligent earthly Dad so I think I'll take him with me. :)

I've gathered everything the lawyer asked me to gather and then some. I hope after today he will be able to tell me what is realistic so I can start developing my expectations. I'm only looking for fair and just, but I'm afraid my definition of those 2 things are very different from what Todd is thinking. Hopefully we can work something out without having to go to trial.

I continue to pray that Todd will reconcile with God and turn back to Him. He is so deceived by the Great Deceiver right now he is not making good or Godly decisions. I talked to our good friend, Glen, yesterday. Todd had not called him or told him what has happened. I made my conversation brief and did not say anything negative about Todd - just gave him the facts. I thanked Glen for being such a good friend to Todd over the years and encouraged him to maintain his relationship with him. Todd needs friends like Glen around him right now. It is so sad to tell someone who knows/knew Todd before this because the shock and disbelief are so intense in the reaction. No one - no one could have seen this coming. The response is always the same. Yesterday Glen said, "Carla, I thought you two had the fairybook marriage!" I told him we did.

I feel very peaceful today. I know that is God holding me. I've been waking up before the alarm and as I lay in bed awake I give my day to God before I get up. So today is God's and I want to remain in Him while He works out His perfect will in my life.

Coping

I'm not coping well right now. I don't know what makes one day horrible and another just bad (no good days so far). I will continue to focus on God and his will for me.

I am clinging to the next part of "my verse" (the one God provided me). I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies.

I have a meeting with my lawyer this week and then we go to the hearing on Friday. Please pray for me and my daughters.

Crying Again...

Crying again - but, oh it is so good! I just watched the movie Facing the Giants. I have been meaning to watch this movie since it came out...has it been over a year!? Thank you God for saving it until tonight. I'm overwhelmed by God's faithfulness - by his incredible tenderness for me. I needed this reminder of how he can conquer the giants in our lives.

Kasey and Matthew went to the movies tonight so Mom is on a "Staying-at-Home-Alone" test run. :) So far I'm good. It seems like just when I start feeling a little down someone calls me - my sisters, someone from my Sunday school class, one of my workers, a friend...it is amazing.

I have to admit something. I've known that Kasey was going to graduate this month and then spend a year at home waiting for her wedding and honestly I was a little concerned. Really I shouldn't have been because she and I had some wonderful times together during her last years in high school when Todd would be gone for weeks. But coming home after 3 years of freedom in college - that was a little scary. Once again, God has taken care of me. I couldn't have anticipated what was going to happen to my marriage, but God has allowed Kasey to be here and she has been such a blessing to me! I pray that I'm not sharing too much, or putting inappropriate responsibility on her. Please pray for her. She is becoming caught in between two people she loves and that is NOT where I want her. Help her be strong and make good decisions that are healthy for her (not what feels good, what God says is good) - she worries so much about hurting people. she sacrifices herself to keep everyone happy.

God has also provided for Kelly. She is going to be busy and occupied with her internship this summer at Ft. Davis. I'm so glad she isn't exposed to this pain on a daily basis. She needs to be in a good, happy environment while she is carrying my grandbaby! ;) Don't misunderstand, she is hurting too, but hopefully she is able to think on better things since she is physically removed from the situation.

The Graduate

My Youngest daughter, Kasey, graduated from Texas Tech this past Saturday. She, like her sister before her, was a 3 year graduate. Pretty amazing considering it takes most students 4+ years to get their bachelor. Because of the circumstances with her Dad, Kasey decided not to walk across stage to get her diploma. It was a decision that killed me, but I also knew it was her decision, not mine.

Since she didn't get to experience all the 'pomp and circumstance' around her graduation we decided to have a party for her with family and friends on the day she would have graduated. It was the best time we've had at this house. The friends and family were so generous, the feeling was very relaxed, the food was great, and the love was palpable.

So this is the story of my life right now I'm trying to figure out how to divide 26 years of marriage, protecting my girls from a man who is bent on destruction and doesn't even realize it yet, and seeking God with all my heart, soul, and mind - especially since each of those parts of me is breaking.

So what does my verse say to me about this situation? Well it starts out hard, "I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him." Haven't we all sinned against our God. My particular sin was disobedience. I always felt I could handle my life without needing to bother God. Oh sure, I would pray when there was a sickness, or a big decision, but to seek God's face daily - to live as if I were created just to honor him, I didn't do. I have asked for and received forgiveness. But going on, the next part says, "But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies." This takes on particular meaning as our temporary hearing comes up within a week and all parties involved feel like this will go to trial. My blood pressure goes up when I start thinking about all I have to do in order to make my case. It creates such stress! But right here it says He will take up my case, He will provide me justice. What a relief! It isn't in my hands! I don't have to think of all the contingencies in order to protect myself. I will carefully prepare myself and then leave the justice to my powerful heavenly Father.

If you read this post earlier, you may notice I changed it. I felt convicted over the things I wrote about my husband so I've removed those sections. My goal for this blog is not to cut anyone down, nor do I want to cause my daughters more pain. My desire is to glorify my heavenly Father in what I say, do, and write. Please pray for me as I struggle to be obedient. Please lift me up as I go through this horrible, hurtful time.

My Family

So this is my family. On the left is my oldest daughter, Kelly and her husband Casey and their Corgi, Bindi. I'm in the middle with my big blind lab, Jake. Kasey and her fiance, Matthew, are on the right with their Corgis, Zappa and Alex.



Up until the weekend this picture was taken Todd would have been in this picture. Todd and I are in the process of getting a divorce after 26 years of marriage. I found out April 8, 2009 that he was involved with another woman. When I confronted him he told me he loved her (after 3 weeks!) and he was leaving me and our girls. My life, literally, has been turned upside down. I had always thought I would be like my parents - fall in love with one man, marry him, raise children, make plans and dreams, and grow old together. One of the most difficult things for me is, up until April 8 that was exactly what I was doing. I was completely clueless he was involved with someone else.



My girls are devastated, but thankfully they are coping. When Todd told me he was leaving me and the girls he wasn't exactly right. He has just left me. He fully intends on maintaining a relationship with the girls - and as much as it hurts me to say it, they need a relationship with their Dad. I pray that over time I will feel less hurt over this part of the divorce.



I don't know why my life has taken this turn, but I AM confident that my God will save me. Going back to the verse God provided - Micah 7:7-10 - I love the part that says "Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light." The person who wrote this (Micah perhaps?) had obviously been through some personal suffering. It is such a perfect description of what we go through during a particularly hard time isn't it? Don't you sometimes feel like you are sitting in darkness even when the sun is shining? I've had many, many days like that, but God has been faithful and provided me with peace. He is moving me to Him and his light.

Micah 7:7

I've enjoyed my daughters' blogs for years now but I never thought I would start one of my own. Of course, I never thought I would be in the situation I'm in right now either. I'm not quite ready to share all that yet, but I do want to share the verse that my heavenly Father has given me to make it through this painful time - Micah 7:7-10. Although it is a little long, I'm going to put the whole passage down here so you don't have to go look it up.

7. As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. 8. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. 9. I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him. But after that, he will take up my case and give me justice for all I have suffered from my enemies. The Lord will bring me into the light, and I will see his righteousness. 10. Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side. They will be ashamed that they taunted me, saying, "So where is the Lord - that God of yours?" With my own eyes I will see their downfall, they will be trampled like mud in the streets.

There are so many incredible things to point out in this passage but the most obvious to me right now is the section that says "I wait confidently for my God to save me." Wow. What peace that sentence describes. Can you imagine being in the middle of a very bad situation and having the peace to be able to say, "I'm going to wait on God to save me because I'm confident he will! No need to despair - He is in control!"

So here I am, waiting confidently for God to save me from my situation...I'll get to the enemy and mud in the streets a bit later...